After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
what the
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Worst bar ever.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Hey i am sexy to you now
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math