I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The Assassin.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
this country is so goddamn polarized
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My whole life was a lie.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy