OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Duck typos.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
how to exercise your calf muscles
smh
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.