Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Oh thanks BBC.
Mistakes were made
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
The absolute effort that went into this omg
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster