Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”