I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.