just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.