*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
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How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Batman v Dracula
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.