Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
You Might Also Like
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?