Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
This will never not be funny to me.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜