*bites zombie*
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It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame