I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
You Might Also Like
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You can’t rush stupid.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Called it
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok