Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
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Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
*weighs self after shaving
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
December birthdays be like…
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it