Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.