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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back