You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario