All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.