GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
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[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Very good news from my accountant
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*