I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
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Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears