[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end