*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.