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Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?