I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that