Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
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Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!