[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
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Some people were born into their job.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.