Oh we’ve met.
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins