You Might Also Like
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I know karate and tons of other words.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
This kid will have a bright future.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!