I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit