Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
That’s not how days work.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph