Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
The big book of baby names but for safe words
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.