“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon