As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Cndnsd Mlk
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other