Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
You Might Also Like
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.