Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Good boy 😂😂
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.