O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here