Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!