What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
You Might Also Like
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Ok but actually
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Geez man, take it easy.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.