You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up