I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
😂 amazing answer
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.