Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Hitlers gonna hitl
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!