lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat