*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Goodnight 🐶
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.