when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
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I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Stop making fast and furious movies.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Lol.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.