I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis