a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If you know, you know
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are