optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
You Might Also Like
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then