I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
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ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
FRED: right
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Breaking news:
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”