Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.