If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.