*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If looks could kill
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.